We are all a bit fucked up and that’s ok

I am notorious from going from one extreme to another in my life, with many things. Eating, smoking, sex… I have consumed to excess then guilt motivated me to completely abstain… then at some point the cycle would begin again. Similarly, my inner over achiever battles with my inner sloth, so that I’m either studying to gain four new qualifications in a year alongside working full-time and running a business or I’m slouching on the sofa for days on end binge-watching series on Netflix.

Oh where is the fabled middle ground?

I have become much more familiar with it and am much more peaceful as a result.

So what’s going on? Why have I experienced what seems to be an internal struggle between a ‘good’ and a ‘bad’ version of myself?

Well, I have a theory that I wish to share with you.

We are all a bit fucked up and that’s ok.

It’s when we try to deny our fucked-upness to ourselves or when we try to squeeze ourselves into a box of perceived acceptability to be ‘perfect’ that we lose sight of who we are and it all gets weird.

Imagine an elastic band or piece of string with ‘fucked up’ at one end and ‘perfect’ at the other end; if both ends are being pulled, this creates tension. By resting in the middle, the tension is released.

Another way that we could identify ‘fucked up’ and ‘perfect’ is by defining them as ‘darkness’ and ‘light’ respectively. Our fucked-upness is our darkness, whereas the light is the shining example that we strive to be. For light to exist there must be darkness and vice versa; this is the Universal law of polarity that demands that everything in the Universe has its opposite. Thus, we all have darkness and light within us and I think the trick must be to learn to walk a path between the two. When we can walk this path in the middle ground we are able to comfortably observe both the darkness and the light; we integrate them both into the here and now to make informed choices from a position of authenticity.

So how do we combat the vicious cycle of veering between the darkness and light? How do we release the tension? The way that I will propose in this article is the way of radical honesty. This way requires us to ruthlessly own the feelings that painfully twist in our guts and share the thoughts that we are ashamed of. If we fail to do this, the darkness has power over us and we will be pulling away from it, creating tension, whereas identifying and defining what is in the darkness sets us free from its pull by integrating into fully into our consciousness – the light of understanding shone into the darkness enables us to inhabit the balance point between the two opposites.

There are of course other ways but for now, let me give you an example of the tool of radical honesty from my own experience. Recently, I was talking to a friend about how I was annoyed that my ex would be attending a mutual friend’s birthday party, which I myself was unable to attend. This wasn’t just a simple case of FOMO (fear of missing out). The thought of my ex being there was eating me up inside and I had to release this feeling. I had a sneaking suspicion that the gnawing feeling was coming from a place of me feeling territorial over my friends, which led to me feeling anger towards my ex for encroaching on that territory. This is irrational, right? Friends aren’t territory; we do not own them. My ex being in the presence of my friends was not going to take anything away from my bonds with those friends – this is what the light was saying about it. I could attempt to rationalise the issue by telling myself these things but unsurprisingly, this didn’t stop the gnawing. The only thing that would stop the gnawing was validating it, rather than making it wrong. The monsters of the darkness just want to be seen; they want to exist. So what did I do? I spilled my guts to my friend of course. I explained my annoyance at finding out that my ex would be at the party and I couldn’t be there to defend my territory and you know what, she understood. The process of me labelling and owning how I felt was a huge relief and slowly the gnawing subsided; the monster was appeased.

Do you see how looking only to the light does not enable us to experience peace? The monsters of the darkness need to be looked at to and not only that, they must be made real in a safe way, such as by the exercise of radical honesty with someone who will not judge you. When we acknowledge the existence of our darkness, it does not have so much power over us.

In our lifetimes, we will feel all sorts of things, both pleasant and unpleasant. None of these feelings are invalid. It’s no use trying to invalidate feelings because this blocks them. Constant pulling away from the darkness towards the light creates a tension within that ties up life force energy. That is not to say that occasional tension is not helpful but it cannot be sustained without the band or the string eventually breaking.

Knowing that where there is light there must also be darkness, means that no matter how much we think we have got our shit together, we will still have those parts of us that are a bit fucked up. In fact, the depths of my fucked-upness are a reflection of the heights of my light and I am happy with this, for I know that the depths I have experienced enable me to soar to great heights. The process of integrating the darkness and walking in balance is a lifelong one, an ongoing project.

With that in mind, let’s not expect ourselves to be perfect and let’s forgive ourselves for a fucked-upness; that’s what makes us interesting! Indeed, that’s what makes us beautiful.

Humans do fucked-up things, we are fallible. This is why we have incarnated as humans, to experience freewill and make mistakes that we learn from. The more perfect I have tried to be, the more fucked-up I have felt! Now I endeavour to walk the middle ground, with radical honesty as a sword I use to cut through the bullshit.

Do you dare to take up your own sword?

With love,




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